Thoughts of The Hopeless Lion

3:23PM - Skin Thee Shed , Thou Blood Be Spread.....

Toe Pick ................

6:49AM - In Sickness and In Health..........

Well I guess my time spent over the last week has left me needing a place to lay the many thoughts and words that roam in the inner depths of my cranial cavity. Before I get to ranting I would like to expressly thank Mrs. Liberty for taking the few moments out and calling me for my birthday, I will be giving a personal call and thank you come the weekend but I wanted to let my gratitude be known on what turned out to be a extremely terrible day. Keep in mind the very few others who called I want to take nothing from the few efforts they were greatly appreciated. It tis very funny , comical even , to those who have waited to feast on the sight and knowledge of the Jamie’s complete obliteration and self destruction, which has now come to be. And just for the record my blood runs just as red as everyone else’s, though a certain woman’s did taste much better than my own. The last 11 months have given way to a roller coaster ride that Six Flags only wishes they could purchase the rights to. I have bared witness to friendships destroyed , relationships crushed , children welcomed into this world , and children exiled. They say that there is a lesson to be learned from every experience, and repeated instances are only continuous lessons until the true lesson is grasped. I was one of those , yeah , yeah , yeah , types, just agree because that’s what some old wise ass long ago swore by. Well the last week was spent facing my biggest fear , choking on it , crying in it , sleeplessly struggling with it. I have been quoted on many occasions saying that in darkness there is light, I will now add to that , that in loneliness comes enlightenment. In days past I have sat in loneliness , read over months of IM’s saved. Guess after 12 total years of bad experiences I needed to try and identify and find the lessons , all of them , that I have been missing time and time again. The dishonesty of Becky , the disloyalty of Stacey , the Tyranny of Carla, what is it that I was missing, I mean really, a never ending cycle of the same woman, less Carla of course, she was the complete opposite of any before her. So many possible outcomes, so many unknowns and unseen. My head ringing so loudly that the agony of my head almost matched that of my heart. One phrase I could not remove from my forethoughts , quoted , “thebeanisdead: i don't require many things, or wish for many riches....i just want a peaceful existence and be kept by a person who sees that i'm not going to "trade for a newer model" so to speak. i'm a very committed and faithful person, even through circumstances when most would wander i have stayed that way. i just want the same in return when i am able to have just that until i am free i am caged by propriety”. I could not quite grasp a lot in regards to what I was going thru and feeling, it was definitely a series of Kathy moments, the queen of clichés herself. And oddly enough it was a quick comment from the very beast whom began this long road paved in constant heart ache, and loss. The exact quoted I comment I would rather keep for myself , unless she finds fit to come and divulge her opinions herself , if not , those who know how to track her will have to do there homework. But , I think it finally hit me, I have gone through what I thought was breakthrough after breakthrough , I thought I found my inner greatness , and knew what it was I needed to do to be all what I could be. Plainly put I am a hypocritical , oblivious , self centered , self motivated , asshole. Yes, I am sure there are many you could all add to that , but we can save that forum for your thoughts not mine. And just for the record, most of you winners make me look like a saint in most these regards, but moving on. The truth is the easiest thing to say, but why in the hell is it always the hardest thing to spit the fuck out? I guess I needed a huge dose of my own medicine, weighing in at slightly over 300lbs, it’s hard to believe that my psychological venom is my most fierce of attacks. How do you teach a person who uses the mind a lesson , hand them someone who’s mind is stronger then thy own. Enter Carla, so attractive to me that I could not help but be smitten, taste so sweet that my mouth watered , completely lost within her every time she sunk in her teeth and dug in her talons. My mirror image, little did in know just how much we shared in common, only difference, how we applied what we were good at. Take this and add the fact that her mind is impenetrable , and her ways are so set that Zeus himself on Mt. Olympus has nothing on this one. Suddenly the constant patterns become clear, the parts of oneself that we try and ignore , or swear don’t exist. Suddenly I feel like adam sandler , “what the hell happened to me”. I guess one could say it is human nature to exploit what we are good at once we identify that we are infact good at it. I always wanted to say that I was better at something than my elders, and I was ,I adopted , accepted , exploited , and denied it every step of the way. The BBD, bigger , better , deal, oh how many of us have heard that statement? And how many more have feared it? I hated the sound of it because it was infact all that I was out to get , the fuel to my very fire , in my head , I’ll be left behind for the BBD, but my reflexes , where is it , where is it. Now lets think about the logic here, I am deathly afraid of exactly what I deal, I am afraid of myself, the mirrors image. Why play video games when this shit was for real? The many innocent women , the good ones , the keepers if you will , that I have completely mind fucked and ruined for all other man that followed me. I am really disgusting myself. The mouth so well trained that it didn’t need the mind at all , it had it’s own set or reflexes , and the shit it could sling , I amazed myself on more occasions than not. All the years and the heartache , just to get here , just to recognize just how grimey I was acting without ever acknowledging it. The 11 month roller coaster, I gave into and shut down completely to give myself to lose myself in this black stallion that stand before me, and I did , I lost myself , was completely 100% , all it took was a couple of white lies to trigger my juices flowing. I remember them both clearly , her trip to the bar with dot , and her denial of knowledge of a telephone when with token. Just enough to breed doubt , and in doubt , an eye for an eye , a tooth for a tooth. I really care about Carla , she has been in my life for a very long time, I still lose sleep and worry as her disappearance ails me so. It took 12 years of complete misery , the loss of so much in way of friendships , assets , and family members. I actually make myself speechless and nauseous. I done fucked up good, shit I even had myself fooled. Secrets are lies in disguise, omission by definition is an untruth, white lie , black lie , blue lie , a lie is a lie , no matter how you slice it , and dishonesty only breeds more dishonesty. A quick tongue is only a melting pot for bullshit. I’ve hurt more people than I can even bare to count, what makes the days ahead harder , is that to do the right thing , I am going to hurt a lot more. I have been facing the mirror for a couple of months now , and some days are harder than others , but if I am ever going to look into that mirror again and crack a smile , then I know what I need to do. You can do all the wrong things for all the right reasons , or all the right things for all the wrong reasons , either way you still end up in the same spot , in a giant pile of shit. You get out of anything what it is you put in , and if it is too easy , then it is lost even easier. You have to be willing to stand up and fight for what it is you believe in , and if you want something bad enough , no distance is to far to travel to get it. “but i do miss having the ability to have fondness returned thru touch....a small caress
thebeanisdead: that which can't be had....
thebeanisdead: i miss the embrace of the eyes...knowing i am valued”
extremely heart felt words, they bore a meaning I did not understand then as I do now. For roughly 3 years I have held on to a phrase , I used it every time no other phrase worked , From the ashes comes greatness , I believe this, but if you haven’t hit the bottom , if you haven’t lost your grip , then this is nothing more than a last ditch effort to sway another persons thoughts or feelings in your direction. Well , I burned all my bridges , so now I am surrounded , stuck inside by my own moat , lost my children , lost my woman , and exhausted every resource and influence I ever had. I am living check to check , have to call upon my parents , the ones whom I swore I would never ask to help me. I have been in the coffin for a long time , and now I have been lowered into my plot. I guess sometimes the only way to teach someone is to take everything away, leave them with only their words and actions to feast on , let them choke on the very deception they fed to others. I don’t know why it took so long to see , its presence was clear as day. Brutal honesty , isn’t really all that brutal , when you flip the coin and think what it feels like to carry the lie around with you , day after day after day. “Knowing I am valued”, how can anyone value what is not real , and how can one feel valued if they are not who or as they appear? Some people have the ability to see thru others , see thru the shit and shell , really dictate who a person is , not what they have become. About 15 years ago I made a decision to embrace and follow a path that would almost completely enclose the person I was , the person I am , I think my inability to float or swim was a sign of all the shit I had around me suffocating me everyday. First thing I do once all is said and done , is learn how to swim. I think I am done hanging out on the ocean floor with all the bottom feeders. I have a date with a sunflower patch that is long over due, and this time the crow is sitting on my shoulder.

7:11PM - May , The month paved only in death

I make this my last entry into the journal world , no new journal on the cyber front shall follow. I have become both hopeless and faithless , and require only the solitude of my own presence. I might as well be dead to everyone by now , becuase I am completely dead inside. I will not go off again , telling everyone where to go , it only worked for so long anyway.Just like my breif encounter with happiness, short , sweet , and now terribly missed. Death cannot great me soon enough , so that my flesh may rest in the same state as my soul.

6:32AM - Welcome to Silent Hill

I must say i am fucking miserable. Just plainly unhappy with all aspects of my life. I come to put some of my thoughts and words somewhere else , because the 4 to 6 page average coming home each morning is getting insane. for a man who's life rest in the hands of numbers , i should be struggling to complete 1 page , never mind 4. though as it is the time of year for all of us Taurus's , something is going to fall apart and hit rock bottom , and something is going to bloom and flourish , though our birthdays always leave much to be desired. The only dominant word flowing through my head is "Failure" , like silent hill , i battle in purgatory never seemingly to return to the world of the living , at least the fuck off post did it's job. Think i just need to do something completely random and off the wall. that , some domino's chicken wings , and some jello shots , it would be just like old times past , less my brother and some of his wierd friends. I miss me daughter , though i did see her friday. Can't seem to get ahold of my pop's , though i am going to start calling just for him , so i am not only calling when i want something , the only thing i want is to chat with my dad. Considering going to my sisters one night this month just to cleanse myself of the thoughts that flow through my mind , life's simplicities seem to be more obvious out there , really wish i could just pack up and go. I think i really need to visit my brothers grave , he always seemed to have the answers , maybe there i can find clarity.

5:58AM - Hickory , Dickory , Dock .........

Hickory , Dickory , Dock , .... This Jim was cleaning your clock ..... "I kinda like that , has a nice ring to it now don't it". Any Who , the days recently past have been eventfull at the dullest of moments. Tis funny really how the seven deadly sins perpetuate themselves in so many , so very many people. Makes you wonder , so many great philosophers , so many written will's and testament's of both the past and the future. It seems as if culture and society continue to be watered down decade after decade , year after year , day after day , minute after minute , every moment a decision is made , and action proceeds , a result produced. How many actually think about the result before they make the decision or take part in the action? I am a man of many failures , and even more wrong doings over the years , this comes with having a magnetic personality and being popular at times even though i wish i wasn't. But as i have analyzed in the past year , a persons soul , thier true personality cannot be changed nor altered , however tis easier to learn and pick up on bad habits than it is good ones , it is also harder to unlearn these habits. Any one out there who really knows the history knows just how much learned evil i consumed and ate up in my earlier years , enough to await and welcome the finished product of which i am trying to reaquaint myself with. Tis a real shame most will never get the opritunity to see nor take part in that special time and place when all is achieved. I read a quote months ago , really it came from the most ackward of places , but , here it is "You judge the value of freindship , not by what you gain from it , but what you sacrifice to maintain it" , clearly put , you only get out what you put in , and if you are not putting anything in , then know you are certainly on the untrue side of things , this logic also applies to relationships just to note. I would also like to note that genuine concern for one's wellbieng , is sometimes over rated when used in conjunction with the above formula, though i do know that sometimes when trying to reach people whom may hold some sense of value to oneself we must start somewhere. I have witnesses both sides of the spectrum , hell , i have resided on both sides as well , but even though i am not going to get this quotes verbage quite right the basic jist remains , "It is not how you decide to chose , but how you chose to finish". This exact phrase is huge in value , hell we could take an example such as Fruitcake/Beefcake , doesn't matter how one decided to enter personal preference , what is recognized is how one came out of it , OH YEAH , almost forgot , Hope this is as good a read as my previous entry Artist , or should I call you Shadow? Any who , moving on i must make my remaining words brief as i have work to finish before i can retire for the evening , but most importantly I continuously emphasize the FUCK OFF state of address , i want us to take a moment to reflect and take a moment of silence for Yogi ............ may his soul rest in peace till it can be reborn , and in old school fashion and with love ,"The Soul Still Burns" any who , I must run to those few who care , and this post was really intended.

Current mood: exhausted

Current music: Josh Disk 2002

5:27AM - Breach in Security ...................

Morning all , it appears if there has been a breach in security at the lions den , and instead of coming in like a little leak , I was greeted with a straight up flood. First and foremost , many of you out there have received phone calls or have even seem me in the flesh over the last month give or take a few , this being an attempt to peacefully and civilly ask for the meddling and sabotaging in my little world to stop. Rather than just closing my doors , turning off my phones and just ignoring the situation , I chose to give most a respect and courtesy they did not deserve. Now I am sure many of my nice encounters and phone calls were probably taken in a context not meant , but the fact remains, I disappeared months ago to focus on my relationship and people couldn’t leave me or my own alone, apparently it drew up to much of a thrill to just let well enough be alone. But still for reasons beyond my comprehension , I tried to remain level headed. I cannot , not no more , to everyone out there whom I don’t have I direct emotional link to , “FUCK OFF” , for those that I do have an emotional link to “FUCK OFF” , I hope we are starting to notice a trend here , “If you are not going to be a positive influence on my life or my life interests then don’t include me in your every day drama binges” , I would suggest that some of you out there who are of some value to society should follow my lead on this one. And just because I am that pissed , FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF, whew , now that I got that out of the way. Now a good amount of you have been contacted tonight , so that I could viscously say my peace in a not so nice manner. The rest of you rest assured , you days are numbered and upon contacting me , well , you will wish you had thought better of that decision I assure you. As for the rumor mill , including the one who saw fit to bring it to my living room , well I guess some of the lesser intelligent people of this world would have been both dumb and blind enough to have not seen that one coming a mile away , thus the puppeteer becomes the puppet , “Speak Fido Speak” , and to think once upon a time I gave a ton of credit to you people. Do not think that my words are empty , or without spine , I assure you , after several years of this I have had enough , I have dealt with emotionally dependents , financially dependents , physically draining psychotics , and plain out head cases for wee bit to long. My actions in the months past have proven my drive and desire to grow emotionally and progress forward , my suggestion is you all do the same , because with all this driveling shit being spewed forth all you are doing is spreading a cancer throughout your lives and the lives of those closest to you. I wish you all the best , now FUCK OFF and good night.

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: Kingsbury Spindle

6:07AM - A really long night indeed.....

Well viewers of the cyber realm , it appears as though tonight was a really long night , exhausting indeed. After a night like this a mission impossible movie friday night sounds all too deserved , maybe if things work out and the time needed for conversation is alloted , such a friday may be able to be had. Underworld : evo is calling my name , "Dead things ......Dead things ....." heheheh. Believe me i anything but joyous or pleased at the moment , but reflecting on some past experiences most recently had is all i can do at the moment , as uncertainty overwhelms me. Amidst the recent , We found a little nice establishment to go and have drinks and play pool without the distractions and noise of a "Regular Bar" , I really like the place , though sometimes drinks and a pool cue bring out the worst in me , some habits or trends are harder to let die than others. THE PATRIOTS SUCK ASS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , " YES , YES " , and i was there to watch it , always thought The Snake was a good QB , too bad odds are he ain't going to the SuperBowl , but hell , niether is the pats. Been doing alot of thinking lately , though my thoughts will not be divulged here , just reflecting on what changes have been made , and what lay ahead. But at the moment i need to be cleaning up for the night and getting ready to take a quick shower before heading to the homefront. Ta Ta

5:26AM - A New Year Beckons........

Well to all those who have made it one more year in this existance , congradulations for making it another year! And to those who have lost and suffered , my deepest appologies and regrets. Either way I wish only the best for everyone , good and bad. Personally I am seeking that little piece of security that we all hope for , and I am pretty sure I have it on the horizon. I have finally learned a lesson that many probably have tried to tell me at one time or another but needed to learn based on my own hardships , you don't need a million people around you or a hundred shoulders when you need them , you don't need a place with a million fancy things or a hundred priceless valuables , all you need to is to be true to yourself and let not who you are be dictated nor watered down by the people and things that surround you. For any great wealth can be lost or taken , but the greatest wealth of all lay's so deep within that the only disaster that can forsake it is yourself. When you accept this truth and remove the scales and armor that have both suffocated and protected , and just accept that which you are and walk forward standing tall , then you are truly genuine and your value can never be measured. It took alot of losses and realization to come to this point , but I am becoming one with myself , in a way that was long since hidden away within the shadows of my inner self , and I am if nothing else happy and proud , but the journey is just beginning , and before me lay alot of unknowns , but i have faith in myself and the gods and know that I have someone right there beside me who has faith just as I. And as long as I am true to myself and the things I hold dear , then I am the wealthiest of all. Let this be the year of change , a year of great sacrifices and greater accomplishments. To all a happy new year!!!!!!!!!!

5:11AM - Weakness rears it's ugly head , and leads to the pains of reality....

Many days have passed , and many nights lead to constant unrest..... I have spent many nights encloseing myself into darkness trying to find the answers to the many questions that have lingered in my mind , for it has been my very mind that has allowed me to work against myself , if that makes any sense. The holidays are always a very bad time for me , i can't remember the last stress free holiday season where i did not sit and cry many a night , since well , living with Ma and Koolaid. I am back from my little vacation , which was not a vacation at all , but did accomplish one major thing , I always said that from the ashes comes great things , and my relationship with the woman whom I Love was in peril and I was standing by watching it plummet to the ground, which was all my doing. It took me embarking on a journey in life that I swore to myself I would not , nor was not capable of to realize the truth within myself , and within my hopes and dreams. After all that , I am happy to say that Carla and I are trying to work everything out, and with any luck will be welcoming a completely new year , one filled with far more pleasant thoughts than the ups and downs we exhibited and endured throughout this year , but i need to return to my duties , ttyl

5:02AM - Snow is all around me.......

Well it has been awhile , and asure me , much has been keeping me busy on most all levels of the spectrum. Work currently is very unstable , but I just learned of a relatively shady character that I was unaware of , thus the statement , "Keep your friends close , and your Enemies closer". I need to make some major changes in my current work place ethics , and reapply myself for the hours I spend here , and cut down the Hours here at the same time. With christmas right around the corner I am beginning to feel the pressure of holiday expectations , never a good thing for me , though I am sure most already know that. Gabe is starting to do better , yet ashe is taking a complete nose dive. Picked up the 3rd book in the Requim series , only read the first chapter so far , but the good writer is behind this one , so I like it already. I think when I am done with this one I am going to try and finish the Beauty Trilogy , maybe I can finish it this time. The Taurus was down for a day , but houdini was replaced and she is back in running order , though I am not to sure she can hold up like she has in past winters , so I may be looking into a beater or a rental for the storms to come , hehehehehehe. Not to much else going on , other than in my head , I am just hopeing that xmas turns out better than turkey day , though I sure no matter what I am in for some awkward feelings across the boards , but I have to go , boss in soon , ttyl

7:14AM - Enter the month o' the Turkey

Hello all, I figured i would take a moment before finishing off my night just to ramble a few words. Although all is not as well as I wished it were , things are always moving forward , at least as far as time is concerned. I have pictures of Emma and Aiden from halloween as well as the three in my flock, they are available via emial if anyone would like to take a gander. Unlike last year , i am looking forward to this thanksgiving, I would like to do some visiting so if any of you out there would leave me a little notation as to when would be a good time to stop in with the kids , i will plan accordingly, keep in mind i would prefer to visit the day before , as we all know , i just want to sit and enjoy the company of my fam ,on the day of. Hopefully I can even get the parentals to come by. I will be reinstateing the floral arrangement for the holiday's policy , you all know i love flowers anyway , and truly , how many people do you know are as good with them as i am? but i have to go face the wrath of my boss. OH JOY!!!!!!! I hope all is well out there in world , and Kathy , I would really like to at least sit with Gouvie at least once before X-mas , we all haven't gotten together since last summer if i am not correct. It would be nice , let me know , BTW , hope all is coming along well with Josh. Talk to yall' soon...............

5:20AM - Alive Undead

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5:28AM - A Dark Cloud Hath Risen Upon Me

Morning all, Well I find myself lost in a state of confusion and numbness. Never Before have a not only seen the light at the end of the tunnel , but acheived the glory of it's glow , and yet I did do just that and now know not where I stand nor where I am headed. To say I wanted perfection I would guess myself niave , for I know that everything suffers it's share of ups and downs , all I wanted was to maintain what it is I have for a very long time to come. That said , I am not sure if what I want can want me back through all the trials that come at the mouth of those who play all sides. I am leaving in but 2 hours , and all I want is to go home and be greated and held , I am not sure what will happen , or if I will even have anything to go home to , but none the less , I must finish here and bid you adue......

5:35AM - To Be or Not To Be.......

Well Ladies and Germs , I am here to open a new journal , one free of the previous drivel and drama. Hopefully the eyes of those who like to start trouble and slander will not find this new haven of my words and thoughts. But I cannot carry on at the moment as i have to finish up my night here in the kingsbury room to get in a shower and proceed to my Sister's Sanctuary in a far off Place. Thanks Ma and Dad for stepping up and helping out so I could still pull this adventure off , trust me ,Carla Myself and the Kids much need this rather quick reprieve. Let us all Pray to the Taurus Gods , may they be with me on my adventure keeping the trusty taurus together and functional for both the trip to and from. See Yall Soon..........